Anxiety

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“Ask a Priest: What to Do About an In-Law With Mental Issues?”

Q: What is my obligation to a grown sibling (of my husband) who has some mental health issues and does not want to grow up and take responsibility for herself? She lost her mother young and had a child out of wedlock at 18. She then had a series of bad relationships and never married. She is now a grandmother, but her daughter is divorced and does not want to deal with her mother. We took her in for 11 years and she held down a job for that period but was disruptive to our household. For the last year she was living a more independent life but leaning on her sister’s family. With the lockdowns and working from home, she recently had an acute mental break with anxiety and paranoid delusions. We took her back in to get her help. She is now on some meds and is starting counseling. I feel terrible saying this, but I do not want her to stay with us again. It is hard on our marriage and we feel like we are carrying her load because she does not want to carry it herself. I do not want to offend God, but I do not want her to live with us again. I feel like we enable her to avoid responsibility, but I am not sure if she can make it on her own. – M.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: I’m sorry to hear about the situation. It must be a great strain on the family.

There is no simple answer in this case. It’s about process as much as results.

By that I mean your sister-in-law ideally needs to take responsibility for her life as much as possible. The question, of course, is how much she can realistically be expected to do on her own.

You mention mental health problems; they can run along a wide range of issues, in varying degrees of intensity. Evaluating what your sister-in-law can realistic handle is something that would need to be determined with mental health professionals.

Our Lord has probably allowed this trial in your life because he can bring something good out of it.

You would be justified, I think, to keep the good of your immediate family in mind, without losing sight of the general obligation we have to offer help to struggling relatives. You might try to set up realistic boundaries and ground rules for your sister-in-law. In consultation with the rest of the relatives, you might see whether an alternative living arrangement for her is feasible and affordable.

Your long patience with her can send a strong signal to the rest of the family that no one is expendable, that everyone has a place. This is part of the drama of marriage and family life.

It might help for you and your husband to intensify your prayers and sacrifices, and ask God for the grace to move forward. If need be, you and husband might seek out counseling, too.

Then, take things one day at a time. The Holy Spirit will be guiding you.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: I Try so Hard … Why Can’t I Be Perfect?”

Q: I am praying more regularly and watching daily Mass. I’m reading the Bible. I still have difficulty with laziness, envy, insecurity, oversensitivity, shame, being overly emotional, exaggerating, lying so people can take my side in a conflict, lying to sound more credible, attention-seeking behavior, chafing at correction, criticism, being challenged or called out on my lies, nonsense, and excuses. I still complain, obsess, experience high levels of anxiety, harbor resentment and an unforgiving heart, get upset when others disagree with me, and I can be very vain and judgmental. I’m so annoyed with myself. Why can’t I be perfect despite all my efforts? — I.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Let’s start with your question, “Why can’t I be perfect despite all my efforts?”

That might be part of the problem: It’s easy to fall into the mistake of thinking we can reach perfection on our own efforts.

In fact, none of us can bring ourselves to perfection. Any improvements are a grace of God.

What is noticeable about your e-mail is an omission: There is not a word about God the Father or Jesus or the Holy Spirit.

This is odd because religion is foremost about God. The No. 1 goal of the spiritual life is the glory of God.

Our own sanctification is part of that — a byproduct, if you will, of our doing things for God’s glory. But God comes first.

But let’s say you have had a particularly frustrating day and feel closed in on yourself. You nevertheless recognize your various faults. Notably, you aren’t blaming others for your problems. And that in itself is a sign of progress.

In fact, St. John of the Cross, the great Doctor of the Church on prayer and spiritual growth, pointed out that often as we are growing spiritually it feels as if we staying the same, or even getting worse.

It could be that you are in a season of growth and need some guidance on how to cooperate with the graces God is sending you. To that end, you might want to look at my colleague Father John Bartunek’s book that answers questions on spiritual challenges, Answers: Catholic Advice for Your Spiritual Questions.

For now, try moving the spotlight from yourself and more toward God and what he wants from you.

He has given you the gifts of life, intelligence, health, faith, etc. You are his beloved daughter. And as a beloved daughter you can feel confident in his help.

It might help to go to prayer or, if you can, go to the Blessed Sacrament and ask Jesus what he wants of you. This will help lift your vision a bit more heavenward.

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“Ask a Priest: What Can I Do About Feelings of Jealousy?”

Q: I have a habit of constantly comparing myself and my life with others. I will feel happy if I feel like I am better than someone else, and I feel sad and sometimes even depressed when I feel other people’s lives are better than mine. I had to delete myself from social media because it would give me anxiety and cause me to get slightly depressed when someone posted something great in their life, such as a nice vacation or a happy family photo. This is when I will begin comparing everything in my life, such as my job, my husband, even my child, to other people’s husbands, jobs, and children. I myself feeling jealous a lot lately and then I have to constantly remind myself what I am grateful for in order for the jealous emotions to leave my thoughts. I know this sounds like I’m an evil person, but I really want to change this about myself. – J.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good that you want to change this part of yourself. Left unchecked, jealousy and envy can eat away at you and be a constant source of anxiety.

The basic root sin here seems to be vanity. You are putting more emphasis on the opinion of others than on God. The root of this is insecurity. You think that the good qualities of others will somehow tear you down.

You already know part of the solution: Cultivate a spirit of gratitude. You probably already have a lot more than most people in the world, if you give it a moment’s thought. You are probably living in relative security and comfort, not worried about your next meal.

A few other steps might help.

First, learn to shift your attention whenever an envious thought starts to arise. Pray a Hail Mary, offer a little “thank you” to God for something. Don’t wrestle with the envious thought; you will only get more entangled in it.

Second, cultivate a sense that all people are your brothers and sisters, and remind yourself that all good things come from God. When you see good things in others, give praise to God. Those good qualities enrich all of us.

Third, and this depends on what you notice in others, try to see them as models to imitate. If you see someone who is kind, try to imitate her. If you see someone who is humble, do the same. See these people as part of God’s gift to you. Their presence can lift your life.

Fourth, remember what Jesus has done for you. He suffered and died a terrible death to redeem you. What he is hoping for in return is your love and your desire for holiness. You might want to go deeper in your personal prayer life, in developing a daily “God-time,” for example. The truth is, you are already loved and valued infinitely by God, and discovering that truth in prayer is the long-term solution to your insecurity.

Helpful resources for your prayer life could include Father John Bartunek’s The Better Part and our Retreat Guides such as “You Matter” or “Who You Are.”

Last but not least, pray for the grace of thinking well of others.

Keep learning more with Ask a Priest

Got a question? Need an answer?

Today’s secular world throws curve balls at us all the time. AskACatholicPriest is a Q&A feature that anyone can use. Just type in your question or send an email to [email protected] and you will get a personal response back from one of our priests at RCSpirituality. You can ask about anything – liturgy, prayer, moral questions, current events… Our goal is simply to provide a trustworthy forum for dependable Catholic guidance and information. So go ahead and ask your question…

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: Will I Lose My Soul for Listening to AC/DC?”

Q: Last year, I went through a phase were I really opened up and became a better Christian. And it worked! But I let my anxiety take it too far, to the point where I wasn’t living my life. Now, as a result of that, I find it hard to pray, and I’m having trouble finding that even balance between sinning and living a godly life. I want to make the best out of my life while I’m here, and it’s difficult, because one of my biggest anxiety problems is hell. I don’t want to go there. If I swear, will I go to hell for eternity? If I make an inappropriate joke, will I go there for eternity? Also, music is a big concern for me. My favorite band is AC/DC. They’ve inspired me to start learning to play electric guitar. I know their songs are about sex, being a rebel, and even hell sometimes. But you’re not supposed to take them seriously. They’re a band simply here to have a good fun time. But when I listen to songs like “Highway to Hell” and “Hells Bells,” I have my anxiety worries. Will I go to hell for listening to them, even if I don’t let the lyrics get to me? All these questions are building up in me. I need guidance. –T.R.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good that you are trying to be a better Christian. To be a saint is the best way to go through life. That is how you give glory to God and find happiness.

Now, having a healthy fear of hell is good. We are in a spiritual battle, after all, and the stakes are enormous. But you don’t want to focus just on hell.

Christianity is about Christ, who is the full revelation of God. He wants us to be his followers, which means we need to make time for prayer, the sacraments, and acts of charity.

Christianity is about love more than about fear. In that sense it is better to focus on how to bring the love of Jesus to others each day. If you do that, then you are more likely to tame your faults and to put your energies into something positive.

Some practical things could help. Make frequent use of the sacraments. Try to read the Gospel every day. Get to know Christ, your best friend. Consider doing an online retreat occasionally, at RC Spirituality.

Then, ask yourself what God wants you to do with your life. Does he want you to be more respectful of others? More generous? What kind of music would he want you to listen to? Lyrics and hard beats can, after all, have a deep impact on the psyche. Instead of asking yourself if listening to a certain type of music will end up sending you to hell, why not ask yourself how listening to this or that type of music will affect your relationship with God? Will it help you be a wiser, stronger, more merciful person? Will it help your heart stay close to God and get to know him better? That type of reflection could be helpful. After all, to use another comparison, eating potato chips every once in a while won’t ruin your health, but only eating potato chips all the time certainly will.

You might also want to look for a regular confessor or spiritual director who could guide you.

If you focus on these kinds of things, you won’t be overly concerned about hell. Because your energies will be steadily geared toward moving in another direction.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: How Do I Know I Really Trust God?”

Q: I am currently following Father Bartunek’s daily meditation “The Better Part.” A lot of times, I share a portion of the day’s meditation online … sort of evangelize in my small way. This morning, it is I who needs evangelization. I asked myself, “Do I truly trust in God and know his mercy? Will I trust him, in the future, at the lowest point of my life?” When I am physically hurting, will my pain be minimal because I trust him? How do I know I trust him? Sometimes, our fear becomes bigger than the problem itself that our sufferings come from fear itself. Can you shed me some light about the mystery of suffering? My son is a soldier and has been in three deployments. And in the last one, I felt no fear except occasional loneliness because I missed him. Was that trust? Or was that grace to overcome the fear of my son’s possible death? I would like to give God some consolation and have a deep relationship with him. -J.H.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It is good that you are looking for ways to evangelize, by sharing the lines of meditation, etc.

Your note seems to touch on the virtue of hope. We can have faith, we can have charity, yet we can lack a bit of hope. The glossary of the Catechism defines hope as: “The theological virtue by which we desire and expect from God both eternal life and the grace we need to attain it.” You worry about facing future trials; here is where hope can help.

With good reason, Jesus exhorted, “Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil” (Matthew 6:34). In other words, focus on living the moment well. Don’t try to read into the future. That is a recipe for anxiety.

It is good to remember that God loves your son even more than you do. He even loves you more than you do. You are his beloved daughter. That is a truth you want to recall frequently. And following the words of the Our Father, learn to be satisfied with the “daily bread” that God gives.

By cultivating this trust in God, consciously and repeatedly, you will get the grace of confidence in his providence. Your trust will reinforce trust. Trust is a fruit of a mature relationship that weathers any storm. Your lack of fear about your son’s last deployment might be a sign that your trust is deeper than you realize.

Something that can also help is to look for ways to help others — such as shut-ins or single moms. Helping others in turn helps us put our own struggles and concerns in perspective. There are folks out there who suffer terribly, from abuse, despair, you name it. Coming in contact with them and helping them reminds us of all the blessings God has given us. That deeper sense of gratitude brings its own serenity. (Perhaps you could network with other military moms and give encouragement via the Internet.)

Trust is not something that we either have or don’t have, but rather something that we have and that can continue to grow. To go deeper on this point, you might find this post helpful.

For even deeper reading you might find Benedict XVI’s Spe Salvi helpful.

As for suffering in general, we believe it can have meaning because Jesus gave it meaning on the cross. By uniting our sufferings with his on Calvary, we can turn them into something redemptive. Part of God’s plan is to allow us to share in suffering along with Jesus.

For more reading, see Peter Kreeft’s Making Sense Out of Suffering.

I hope this helps. Count on being included in one of my Mass intentions.

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Regnum Christi Spirituality Center Ask a Priest

“Ask a Priest: How Can I Cope With a Disturbed Husband?”

Q: Hello. I do not know how to cope with schizotypal personality disorder, depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD [post-traumatic stress disorder] and insomnia that have been diagnosed in my husband. I need to act in truth, and I have failed to do so. I need to love him regardless, but it is so very hard when I can’t go visit family without him thinking the worst. I feel doubted, dishonored and blamed for my choices because he doesn’t like the choices. I am still going strong on the rosary, still going to church. Thank you. -C.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: My heart goes out to you as I read about your husband’s problems. Our Lord has allowed a heavy cross in your life. Just the fact that you are making an effort to love and support your husband is a powerful testimony to your fidelity and charity.

It is noticeable that your husband has been diagnosed with so many conditions. The biggest diagnosis is the PTSD, which means that he has suffered from a traumatic event or events. This is what is likely making him so difficult to live with.

It would be helpful for you to be included in the psychological treatment your husband is receiving. There might even be some kind of couple’s therapy available, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT). A good place to start is this website.

The therapy is geared toward helping spouses understand each other more and see the good in each other. It is focused on keeping marriages together and helping spouses to experience each other in a new way.

In the meantime, take things one day at a time. Try to stay close to the sacraments. Look for spiritual counseling, at least for yourself; a spiritual director or regular confessor could be helpful. Continue to stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary. She knows the heart of a woman and will intercede for you.

I hope this helps. Count on you and your husband being included in one of my Mass intentions.

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“Ask a Priest: I am predisposed to certain types of sin… How can I resist them?”

Q: I know people say sins are by choice, which I agree to to an extent. Sometimes I honestly believe people cannot help who they are. For example, I am more predisposed to anxiety, vanity, etc. I understand how to stop doing sins in action, but feelings are difficult to control. Does the Bible ever explain this? I honestly feel I cannot help being envious of others at times. Someone in the same position might feel differently, but still that is how I feel. I know it is sinful to get very angry, envious. Why do humans feel the way they do even when it is sinful? -Y.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: Your question touches on the reality of fallen human nature. This is the result of original sin, which we inherit from our first parents who sinned in the Garden of Eden. The Catechism in No. 390 says, “The account of the fall in Genesis 3 uses figurative language, but affirms a primeval event, a deed that took place at the beginning of the history of man. Revelation gives us the certainty of faith that the whole of human history is marked by the original fault freely committed by our first parents.”

St. Paul in Romans 7:15 spoke honestly about sin’s grip on him: “What I do, I do not understand. For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate.” What St. Paul is describing is concupiscence, that is, our tendency toward sin.

Having a tendency toward sin doesn’t mean we can’t resist sin. But our fallen human nature makes it difficult. Life is a constant battle against sin. On the positive side we can pray for God’s grace for help. “God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength” (1 Corinthians 10:13). For more reading on the difference between the feeling and the sin of anger see this blog.

A few suggestions if I may. First, have faith that with God’s grace you can grow in the spiritual life and avoid many sins. Second, dedicate time each day to prayer (for more reading, see this article). You might want to include the Rosary in your schedule, a beautiful prayer in honor of the Blessed Mother.

Third, try to frequent the sacrament of confession, and receive Communion with great reverence and only in a state of grace. Also, you might try to draw up a “program of life” which could help you identify your main area of sin. With the program you would systemically try to work at eliminating certain sins from your life. Don’t worry if you don’t arrive to perfection — we are all human and will struggle all our lives. You might want to approach a priest or confessor for advice on putting together a program of life.

The important thing is, count on God’s grace — and my prayers. God bless.

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Alex Kucera

Atlanta

Alex Kucera has lived in Atlanta, GA, for the last 46 years. He is one of 9 children, married to his wife Karmen, and has 3 girls, one grandson, and a granddaughter on the way. Alex joined Regnum Christi in 2007. Out of the gate, he joined the Helping Hands Medical Missions apostolate and is still participating today with the Ghana Friendship Mission.

In 2009, Alex was asked to be the Atlanta RC Renewal Coordinator for the Atlanta Locality to help the RC members with the RC renewal process. Alex became a Group Leader in 2012 for four of the Atlanta Men’s Section Teams and continues today. Running in parallel, in 2013, Alex became a Team Leader and shepherded a large team of good men.

Alex was honored to be the Atlanta Mission Coordinator between 2010 to 2022 (12 years), coordinating 5-8 Holy Week Mission teams across Georgia. He also created and coordinated missions at a parish in Athens, GA, for 9 years. Alex continues to coordinate Holy Week Missions, Advent Missions, and Monthly missions at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Cumming, GA.

From 2016 to 2022, Alex also served as the Men’s Section Assistant in Atlanta. He loved working with the Men’s Section Director, the Legionaries, Consecrated, and Women’s Section leadership teams.

Alex is exceptionally grateful to the Legionaries, Consecrated, and many RC members who he’s journeyed shoulder to shoulder, growing his relationship with Christ and others along the way. He knows that there is only one way, that’s Christ’s Way, with others!