Q: My girlfriend doesn’t want me to attend my brother’s wedding. For context: My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost three years, and she has been one of the most loving and caring people I ever met. We practice the sacraments together. Even though we are young (she is in her late teens, I’m in my early 20s), we often envision ourselves getting married and forming a family someday. There has been one problematic topic, however, and that is my brother. My girlfriend doesn’t like his coarse language or inappropriate jokes. One time, at a family gathering, my girlfriend was teasing me about something, and I playfully shrugged off her insistence. At one point, my brother snapped and exclaimed, “He said no!” as he reached for and pulled her leg. She decided that was the last straw — she had enough of him. Later, she told me that after we are married, she wants me to cut contact with him except in times of emergencies. Now, my brother and I have always been extremely close growing up. He helped me a lot when I was little. Sure, he has his shortcomings, just as I have mine. To break off ties with him seems extreme. Yet, my girlfriend doesn’t want me to attend his wedding. I don’t want to hurt her, but I fear I’ll be haunted if I don’t attend the wedding. What should I do? – E.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC
A: It’s understandable that your girlfriend is offended by some of your brother’s behavior.
The solution, in part, is that your brother needs to grow up and be more considerate of others.
Your girlfriend might need to mature a bit and be more reasonable, too. The insistence that you cut virtually all ties with your brother seems extreme and not very Christian.
We are all a work in progress. One of the ways we grow in our own faith is by patiently bearing with the faults of others and helping them. We do that through our example and prayers and, occasionally, a bit of fraternal correction.
It might be good to have a heart-to-heart talk with your girlfriend and let her know that you love her and your brother, and that you don’t want to exclude either from your life.
You might point out, too, that boycotting his wedding (I’m assuming it is a Church-approached event) isn’t a realistic option for you, for various reasons, including family solidarity.
In any case, marriages tend to involve a “package deal.” The spouses still have their families of origin, and these families remain a part of their lives.
This is something that you and your girlfriend will need to understand if the day comes when you two decide to marry. Count on my prayers.
