Q: I have some very close friends who occasionally tell dirty jokes that get extreme. It makes me uncomfortable, but I find myself joining in sometimes in the moment without thinking about it. There will even sometimes be jokes cracked against the Church. My questions are: How should I approach the situation? They don’t always break out into dirty jokes, but it does happen. Also, do you think I should go to confession over making too many dirty jokes while I’m with them? I have struggled with scrupulosity in the past, and I really don’t want to fall into the trap of thinking I have to go to confession for every little sin, even if it’s not mortal. I’ve been thinking about this for a while and would love some insight. – J.M.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC
A: Thanks for your note. This doesn’t sound like a case of scrupulosity.
This sounds like a case of your doing something that you know is wrong. I’d be curious to learn what you think the phrase “too many dirty jokes” means. Do you think such jokes are OK up to a certain point?
It might be good to step back and rethink where this group is leading you. Or perhaps, where you could lead them.
That is, you might see whether you be an apostle among your friends. You could, for instance, stop them when they start going down a crude path, explaining that those things are unworthy and make you uncomfortable. Or you could just walk away whenever they do the things you describe.
This could be a witness to dignity and purity that might spark some questions among your friends and lead to good outcomes.
If you can’t lift the tone of conversations, then the alternative might be that your pals will drag you down. In that case, with friends like these, who needs enemies?
If they get you joking about sex and the Church today, who knows what lies ahead.
You mention the “trap” of thinking you have to go to confession for “every little sin.”
True, but your focus seems to be too much on mortal sin, as though you are doing OK if you don’t cross that line.
It is good to remember that we aren’t in this world just to avoid mortal sin. We are here to become saints.
In practice, anyone who gets comfortable with venial sin is a lot closer to mortal sin than he thinks.
But maybe that sounds a little too abstract. Let’s try another question.
What if one of your pals asked you how far he could go in joking about your mom? Would you commend him for not being overly scrupulous? My guess is that your reaction would be very different.
Or what if your pals started to tell dirty jokes about your sister? Would you assure yourself that listening in was just one of those “little sins”?
Again, you might want to rethink this crowd you hang out with. Remember that nugget of ancient wisdom: Show me a man’s friends, and I’ll show you his character.
