Q: I have tried to avoid falling into any kind of gossiping but am by no means perfect. As a result, I have tried to avoid saying anything negative about other people or creating avenues for other people to do so. However, I inadvertently create those occasions without thinking about it. For example, I was talking to a friend and she mentioned being angry at a mutual acquaintance. Compulsively, I asked why and she proceeded to tell me what he did wrong. Also, I sometimes feel guilty for being in the presence of someone who is criticizing someone else and can’t seem to do more than mount a light or joking defense for fear of other thinking I’m chastising them. Am I overreacting by thinking my actions are gravely sinful? If not, what can I do about it? And, finally, where is the line between listening to somebody’s problems (even if they include other people) and gossip? – Manuel

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC

A: It’s good that you are trying to break this habit of gossip. It’s one of the most underrated sins.

While Ask a Priest can’t judge the gravity of any particular act of gossip, it can slip into serious sin more often than we think. Damaging a person’s reputation is no small matter.

Well did Scripture warn, “No human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8).

So what should you do? There is no one-size-fits-all answer in every case. But a few suggestions might help.

First, try to cultivate the habit of saying only good things about people.

Second, keep doing your best to steer a conversation in a positive or different direction when someone starts speaking badly about others. Say something positive about the person being attacked if you can.

If someone wants to vent, you might try listening patiently and then asking probing questions to help the person start to see things in a more objective and sympathetic way.

This takes a bit of skill. But it’s worth pursuing. Practice makes perfect.

If you fall into gossip, mention it the next time you go to confession. This helps to keep you more sensitive in this area.

And whenever talk turns nasty, offer up a quick prayer and ask the Holy Spirit to help you tame the tongue.