Q: My boyfriend was baptized in the Church but only started practicing the faith in the last three years. He has a pretty extensive knowledge of Church doctrine and loves the faith, but he’s often ignorant of the more practical things. Because he leans so much toward tradition (such as going to the traditional Latin Mass), it often shocks me what sorts of things he thinks are OK or even disregards as “too strict.” When we were watching a movie together and his parents left the room for a few minutes, he inappropriately touched me a few times. I was so shocked and hurt I could barely respond. He briefly apologized before his parents returned. Later, when I brought it up, it seemed like he’d almost forgotten about it, saying he didn’t realize it bothered me that much. I told him it was wrong, so wrong that I’d normally break up with someone over it, that it made me feel exploited. He apologized and said he’d never do it again, but still didn’t seem to realize how much it hurt me. How can I explain to him why that was wrong and help him understand boundaries? It seems like half the problem is him seeing things as off limits (a kind of negative rule) as opposed to always approaching me with respect for my dignity and the mystery of my body (the spirit of the rule). – A.
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC
A: It is admirable that you called out your boyfriend for his inappropriate behavior. You have every right to demand his respect — you are a daughter of God, after all.
Your friend is a work in progress. He seems to show a disconnect, having extensive knowledge of Catholic doctrine and a penchant for the traditional Latin Mass, yet being blasé about chaste behavior.
It might help you and your friend to read or watch some pro-chastity materials together and then have a heart-to-heart talk.
A few resources worth considering would be booklets by Jason and Crystalina Everts; videos by the Chastity Project; and the Theology of the Body for Teens.
In the meantime, it would be good to intensify your prayers for your boyfriend.
Be sure to set up strong parameters with him. If he tried to do something inappropriate with you seconds after his parents left the room, that is a red flag. So, try to stay in semi-public venues when you are together.
If you don’t see progress in him, you might want to rethink the relationship. A young man who genuinely loves you will do anything to help you grow in holiness. Count on my prayers.
